by Andrew McQuitty

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Five Smooth Stones of Spiritual Victory (2 of 17)
E. Andrew McQuitty

Introduction: Valor in the Valley

A. The Story: How Goliath got stoned out of his mind. The morning sunlight that penetrated the Spring mists in the Valley of Elah nearly 3,000 years ago glinted off the bronzed helmets of the Philistine army. They had been beaten miraculously at Michmash a few months earlier by this band of Hebrew dirt farmers, and they wanted payback. Opposite them on the northern slope, the Israelites stirred anxiously. The older soldiers spit and swore while the younger men covered their fear with nervous jokes and bragging. They prepared to fight, and perhaps to die.

But a strange sight soon turned their battle butterflies into stark terror. For moving down the southern slope was a singular object, incredibly huge and terribly menacing. Instead of the Philistine army as they expected, an M-1 tank was approaching them--except tanks hadn't been invented in those days. When this creature reached the valley floor, it began to speak, confirming the Hebrews' worst nightmare. This was a human hulk-- the biggest and baddest 9 foot 9 inch homosapien they'd ever seen. Decked out in his 125 pound bronze suit of armor, he sported a spear whose tip weighed 17 pounds and a caddy who carried, not his golf clubs, but a shield big enough to have a picnic under.

Goliath bellowed his greeting. You're all a bunch of lily-livered wimps and your god sucks eggs. I -- THE Philistine--defy the lot of you! Nice guy. It gets better. See if you can come up with a big enough fool to fight me one-one-one. Single combat, winner take all. I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, and I just can't wait to cut somebody. At that, the Israelite army did the only reasonable thing: they turned tail and hoofed it home. And so it went, twice a day for forty days--Kareem Abdul Jabbar challenging the Spud Webbs of the world to a slam-dunk contest to the death. Needless to say, nobody knew what t ...

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