New Testament (2 of 3) by Duane Bemis

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New Testament (2 of 3)
Series: Lamb of God
Duane L. Bemis
1 Peter 1:19-21

Again I was listening to chronic pain and driven far away from sleep. Sleep was not anywhere to be found. I did not fight nor did I listen to the yelling voice of pain but arose to seek consolation and comfort1 in my Lord.

I make a choice each night and my choice is to seek 2 the Lord who can heal. I ran towards Him so I can find His grace3 and His peace.

So you can better understand the depths of my chronic pain I wrote this to my beloved one day when the pain was trying to overtake me:

Beloved,

I shall make an attempt to explain all that is going on inside my head, heart, and soul for I know I have been hard to live with, as my inner personal pain has escalated.

I find pain keeps me very self-centered just trying to survive. Forgive me since lately it is hard to see anything past the throbbing. I awake to horrific headaches and I go to sleep with headaches. This is why I need to play worship music all night. Once I come out of the fog of discomfort and find some sort of relief I then can think clearly.

Lately my negativity is founded on long term disrupted sleep. I shower I lie on the ice pack, and still no relief. I pray, I pray, I cry, and then I cry even more in the dark place of pain. The inner agony has me quietly crying, groaning, and tossing and turning. I try to sleep through the pain only to awake to more aching then when I went to sleep. I sit on the edge of the bed waiting for my bones to settle down. I go into the toilet and just sit there stretching, exhausted and even dosing off sitting on the toilet.

I know it is hard to live with me since I can hardly live with myself. Thank you though for loving me through these dark times. These last months have been the hardest to battle through for the pain is ever present and always tormenting me. The pain attaches my body, my mind, my soul, my emotions, and my inner thinking.

Oh, how I want to give up ...


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